For me, this is one of those lessons that I have to be reminded of periodically.  And, with how big and bold I want to live, I think I will have to keep relearning it at different levels, too.  I want to live as consciously as I can, experiencing each moment fully.  Because a lifetime is made up of moments.

So, this morning, as I was slogging through the mud doing barn chores, this theme of appreciating the present circumstances became linked to being o.k. with where I was.  No, I don’t necessarily mean in the mud.  I mean, doing the best that I can with where I am in my life right now.

What really made this sink in was when I pulled a rain-soaked blanket off Mandala.  She is such a hard keeper, I was relieved to see that her weight was looking o.k.  However, I noticed that her muscle tone wasn’t what it was during the Fall, and I felt disappointed in myself.  Is it unrealistic to think that everything being what it is that I could still keep her exercise program the same?  Yes.  Did that matter in that moment?  No.  Did I feel disappointed in myself?  Yes.  Did I have appreciation for the present moment?  Not really.

While I drug that blanket in the barn and got a clean and dry one to put on her, I had an “aha” moment.  In order to really be in the here and now, I have to make it o.k. that I am where I am.  (Sounds a little like Popeye…..)  It all of a sudden made so much sense that the first step to my being in the present moment had to be acceptance.  If I don’t make it o.k. to be where I am, not only am I holding onto negativity, I’m also either rooted in the past or the future.

Sometimes, I think this step resolves itself when I’m working on staying focused in the present moment, because I have to let a lot of thoughts go.  But, when I find myself unable to really connect with what is happening right now, I know that I need to do an acceptance check.  I know I am not alone in being my own worst critic, and I think it has finally sunk in that my negative beliefs, especially those menacing core ones, really get in my way of enjoying life.  Thank you, mud, rain and cold…and of course my horses!…. for the insight I needed.

Most times, I am a confident rider, that is true.  However, there are some instances where I need to apply something in order to get myself through wavering moments.  That I will share later.  First, I want to share that although my fear hasn’t always been directly related to horses, I do know fear.

I was very shy growing up.  High school was a nightmarish time for me.  Fears and insecurities walked with me every day.  The only time those feelings weren’t my partner was when I was out at the horse camp where I learned to ride.  That was where I felt like I was truly myself, and knew that I wanted to have that feeling in the rest of my life.  (Looking back, I can see how I fumbled my way through my personal growth challenges in a way that actually formulated the confidence through connection system I use now.  But, at the time I didn’t know that.  I just knew I was tired of feeling so scared of everything.)

One of the things that I did in addition to being around horses as much as I could was to get a job waiting tables after I graduated high school.  It was pretty hard to get people to tell you what their order was if you just stood mutely at their table.  It wasn’t easy, and I would have to go through a lot of anxiety to approach customers and speak to them so they could hear and understand.  I got a lot of chances to practice, and that made a big difference in how I could talk to strangers.  One of the little tricks I used to do was to imagine that we were around horses.  At the time, I had no idea I was actually using visualization to reduce my fear, I just knew that I could feel much more confident if I imagined myself in what to me was my element.

Another area where I really lacked confidence was tied to a core belief that I developed.  From how I was raised, and what I internalized, I believed with all my soul that if you were really good at something, you wouldn’t have to tell people, that they would just know.  Let me tell you, it is incredibly difficult to market a business when this lies in your heart and head. Employing techniques to alter that belief was the only option, and it taught me so much.

Around horses, something happened 4 1/2 years ago that changed everything for me.  It was having a baby.  Now, the potential of falling off and/or getting hurt created much more of an obstacle.  I was important to someone, and my physical state had everything to do with taking care of her.  That created a whole new world of “what ifs…….” for me, and changed my perspective completely.  The other big change was that my body felt different in the saddle.  It was almost as if I was riding in a borrowed body.  I know my seat bones were in a different place after childbirth.  Now, I knew apprehensions and fears that I hadn’t before.

I employed many of the mental and emotional tools that I now use to work with riders to increase their confidence level and have more fun with their horses.  The biggest thing that helped me though, was focusing on the relationship that I had with my horses.  When I could trust them, I could trust myself.  Plus, it kept me connected with the reason that I begged to be around horses and ride in the first place~because I love horses.

I would love to tell you that all of these things that I shared here are history.  They are not.  I sometimes have to dig deeper to unearth a root that didn’t get removed, and I know that will continue.  Mostly, because I have a desire to continually grow and seek more.  We all have challenges and issues.  With a little education, practice and support, we can also learn to love our lives better.  For me, horses are a big part of that, and I know I’m not alone.

This winter, I am going to work toward having more enjoyable experiences, rather than just getting through until spring.  Usually, I do a lot of reading and taking classes over the winter.  This year, I am going to add more groundwork with my horses.  I am armed with my borrowed copy of Buck Brannaman’s “Groundwork”, as well as Carolyn Resnick’s “Introduction to the Waterhole Rituals”.  At the rate I’m going, it will take all winter for me to watch, absorb, and practice what is presented in these dvds.

As I write about these plans, I am actually finding myself excited to see how the relationships that I have with my horses will grow.  I know that spending time connecting with my horses in this way will lead to my own personal development insights.  That is always a by-product for me of time with my horses.  Some of the lessons will be more enjoyable than others.  I can predict this because history repeats itself.  I also know from prior experience that the experiences and education will provide me with new ideas and techniques for helping others love their lives more through working with horses.

Looking outside, the snow looks a lot prettier right now.  Perspective does make such a difference.

Yesterday there was quite a chill in the air, and I gave my student the choice of having a riding lesson, working in the round pen, or having a sit and talk session huddled around the kerosene heater.  She chose the round pen, and I showed her a snippet from the dvd.  I figured when I had it right there, I’ll let her see the master at work.  I suggested she try it with Promise, my sister’s horse who battles EPM, whom this student loves very much.  She agreed, and we set out for an adventure.

What we were focusing on was getting a horse to back up, and then to ask it to back in a circle until the movement became fluid, and the legs freed up.  Promise actually backed easier than I thought he would at first.  The circles proved to be a bit more of a challenge.

This was not surprising, because something goes wonky in his hind end when he has what I refer to as “episodes”.  It was more challenging for Promise to make a backwards circle to the right.  Sometimes he would kick at his belly and swish his tail.  (No, he was not colicking)  With some persistence and patience, he finally released something, and his movement got much better.  Such a simple exercise produced such a dramatic change.

In addition, there was another fascinating development.  One of the things that I loved about what I’d seen so far from Buck Brannaman’s teaching was his emphasis on the bond between horse and human.  (Probably not a surprise that this is something I loved!) When Promise’s admirer first started working with him, he was pulling at her to eat grass, and not paying attention.  Through her communication and requests, he gradually stopped that, focused on her, and started to relax.  Not surprising, and still so cool to see.

Next block of time I get, I’m so excited to try this with the other herd members.  I’m sure some interesting things will be revealed.  I feel like a little kid with a new toy, and I haven’t even watched the whole movie yet.  Always so much to learn!!

Everything changed the night before we checked in.  We had journeyed about halfway, and was staying at Mark’s sister’s house in Ohio.  He called to see what time check-in was the next day, and was told that the waterpark part of the hotel was closed for annual maintenance.  Seriously? No, really, seriously???  It was not a joke, they were serious.

Our daughter, Lexie, had been watching the video on their website, and singing the jingle that went along with it, since the reservations were made on October 6th.  Disappointing her was probably the very worst of the whole thing.  I found out really quickly that I had a pretty darn big expectation that we were going to have the vacation situation we signed up for.  I tried hard to focus on the fact that this wasn’t a life or death situation, that nobody was hurt, and things would work out somehow.  Being around Mark’s anger and frustration made it even more challenging to focus on that positive, and then to figure out how to redesign our vacation.

Of course, the person that made the reservations for Mark, was not the person we had to deal with.  We decided that when we got to the hotel, I would be the one to go in and talk to the manager in person.  I must say that all the people who were left trying to clean up the mess were very sympathetic.  It was challenging at time not to let the frustration and disappointment come out at them.  Our roomrate was cut drastically, and we were provided with some meals and alternative venues of entertainment suitable for Lexie.  I felt that the managers I talked to and who helped us out really understood the magnitude of the situation for our family.  Being understood makes all the difference. 

I am certain that being understood and being flexible are the big lessons in this for me, not only in this situation, but of course, in working with horses and other people.  Feeling that I was understood made all the differnce in the world.  I will be so happy to get home and see my herd!  And, I will remember not only to listen to them, but to be compassionate to their experience.   Here and at home, I will pay it forward with the compassionate understanding that I was shown on this journey.

Now, I have a vacation to get back to….

I was having a lesson.  I can remember the horse, a beautiful thoroughbred named Music, and it was a sunny spring day.  We were working on an exercise in getting the horse to move through at the trot.  I heard, once again, the words from my trainer: you’re trying too hard!!!

I remember the reaction I had.  The burning feeling of tears coming didn’t last very long.  It graduated into tears incredibly quickly.  I had been at one of the corners leading to the short side of the arena.  My instructor was sitting on one of the barrels that lined the fence on that short side.  I threw my reins down, stopped in front of her and sobbed, “I just don’t get it.  It doesn’t make any sense.  If you want something bad enough and you really, really try for it, you should be able to get it!!!”

Although I’m not sure why she used to tell that story so often, I can see some value in it now.  Because now, I understand the reactions in our body when our minds get tight with the struggle of doing something the RIGHT WAY.  In addition, I understand another element of trying too hard that has to do with mindset.  If we have to try really, really hard to get something or somewhere, way down deep we have a doubt that we can get what or where we want to be.

That doubt widens the gap.  Creates a  huge gap from where we are to where we want to be.  Our self-doubt draws our focus onto the gap, instead of onto our goal.  Since what we think about we bring about, we bring more and more of the gap into our experience.

The way to help alleviate this phenomena of trying to hard is to first of all recognize that it is happening.  As is so often the case, awareness is the first step.  Then, to examine our self-talk.  find where the negative, gunky core beliefs are surfacing.  From this point, find some evidence to refute those statements.  The key to refuting the negative beliefs is identifying a thought that we feel better about when we repeat it.  For example, instead of, “I’ll never be able to….” a better option could be, “I am working my way toward…..”.  Without even having a specific goal in mind, when I repeat those two phrases, I notice quite an internal shift.  The second feels much lighter and I am left with an emotion I would label optimistic or hopeful, that I can attain whatever goal I might be reaching for.  Whenever we catch ourselves slipping into telling ourselves the “I’ll never be able to….” we can switch to the newer version.  The more times we think that newer version, the more likely it is to become our new core belief and give us a greater chance of achieving our goal.

A way that we can help ourselves stay away from trying too hard is relatively simple.  For me in my life, it isn’t always easy.  And, I am working toward achieving my goals with ease.  I am working toward achieving my goals with ease.  I am working toward achieving my goals with ease.  

When we first arrived, the filly was FULL of energy.  What a constant exercise in being fully present in the moment she gave her handlers.  They were great, and always exhibited extreme patience with her.

The next day when I was around my horses, I found my thoughts drifting toward the consistency needed to effectively train and teach as I had witnessed with the filly.  As one of my riding instructors used to say, “there are no vacations!”

I was fortunate to have the time to work with Little Horse, and brought him in the barn to groom him.  Since he fell while the farrier was doing his feet, he hasn’t stood really well for having his feet picked out.  I was starting to get a little annoyed at his behavior as he moved around and wouldn’t let me pick up his hind foot, and then I noticed that his whole body was quivering.  That surely got rid of the annoyance, and led to a short-term guilt trip.  Not that I did anything to reprimand him, I go on guilt trips VERY easily.

I decided to treat him as if he didn’t know yet what was expected of him.  Perfect that I had the filly experience the day before!   For how I like to teach horses, that meant breaking things down into tiny steps and lavishing on much praise with any movement toward the response I’m hoping for.  I also try not to assume that the horse knows what I want.  It took about 10 minutes, but I got his feet all cleaned with neither of us getting upset about anything.

I got him tacked up and went out for a lunging session.  Not only did we have a small victory concerning his feet, but he was sound, as well.  Now I have to be patient until I have room in my schedule to play with him again.  I can’t put into words how relieved I am that he is sound again.  Now, back to our fun!!

I could say that it was because I haven’t been feeling well lately, or that it wasn’t the best of weather and footing conditions for working him, but those weren’t really the reasons.  I will admit that I do have a little anxiety about going back to work with him.  He was uneven behind, and there’s a little part of me that is panicking it will be a permanent state.  But, even that little bit of anxiousness wasn’t the reason.

I began to suspect that the law of inertia was in effect.  The law of inertia as I understand it: an object at rest tends to stay at rest, and an object in motion tends to stay in motion.  I know that isn’t the actual definition.  I remember vaguely from my high school physics class that there was something about an external force in there.  However, I began to suspect that my real issue was just my lack of motion regarding to my work with Little Horse.

So, I encouraged myself to go out with his halter and bring him in.  Then, I told myself, if he wasn’t acting right, I could just put him right back out.  And, I only had to groom him, not necessarily do anything else with him. Basically, I gave myself every out imaginable, as long as I at least tried.

Well, once I got him and brought him in, everything was different.  My outlook was much more energetic and positive.  That’s why I think my inertia theory was right on.

I did end up lunging Little Horse a little in just his halter.  There were a few off steps, but for the most part, he looked even behind.  He’s still a little more spooky than usual, might have been the weather.  It just feels good to know that we’re getting back on track.

Just before they left, she thanked me for taking such good care of my horses.  She said that she had never seen such a friendly, happy herd before.  We had gone out in the pasture to meet them as we talked.

I have never been thanked for that before.  I also didn’t really think our herd was that unusual.  I do know that they are very loved.  It was very interesting to have this young woman express such a sentiment.  She teared up as she said it, so it was obvious this meant a lot to her.  I’m not sure what other things she has witnessed regarding horses and their care, and I don’t think I’m going to let myself go there.  I am just thankful that she touched my heart, my horses and my life!!

I will have to dig deeper into my store of patience and wait to resume working with Little Horse.  We’ve not been able to do much over the past 3 weeks.  The reason being, he had two falls.  One when he was just playing in the pasture.  Running too fast sliding stop before the gate where there was quite a slick spot.  Boom.  Second time he fell while having his feet trimmed.  Wind blew something, scared him, and his back feet went out behind him, his belly almost hitting the ground.  Scary to see.  Well, both were, actually.  And, of course, there is always the possibility that he did some other similar maneuvers out in the postures on his own.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss…..

After the hoof trim fall, the next day I went to work with him, and Little Horse was uneven behind.  Also, he was no himself temperament wise.  He was spooking frequently.  He really only does that for good reason.  He had hardly any focus because of this.  When our schedules lined up, my sister did some chiropractic adjustments and laser treatments for him.

While she was working on him, she  found that he was out in his neck and his pelvis.  Mary reminded me that these two areas are where the “calm down” hormones are released.  That made perfect sense with his behavior.  And, it completely validated my decision to wait to work with him until he felt better.  Because even if I can’t detect a limp or unevenness anywhere, he was still letting me know that he wasn’t quite right.  I’m glad that I was listening, and it probably will work out to be perfect timing when the weather cooperates, but still so very had to have patience.

Arena translation: What good validation for both following your intuition, as well as the inseparable connection between body and mind.  Always a good idea to wait until something feels right to proceed.  Sometimes, enlisting the help of someone else will be what is necessary to be able to move forward.  Nothing is wrong with that.  It can be very helpful, as well as smart, to have someone else there to help bolster your confidence.  Sometimes we all need a little help from our friends.

Hoping for pleasant weather tomorrow, though